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by Open Letters

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1.
Fed up and let down, eat shit, I'm done. Wish your mother health, if I was stronger I'd be there to help for you, care for you, but I can't. Wish your father well, if I was stronger I'd be there to help for you, care for you two but I can't. Fuck everything. Sleep well, take the pain, put it on my chest again, I'll feel the same and bottle all the suffering. When I am gone it's on you to forget my voice and carry on if you haven’t already moved on. It was a shame reaction. It hurts the most when you are the last to know. Ring on her finger. I've got a heavy heart. I want to see her but we drifted apart. I could have made things better, I could have patched things up but what's the fucking point at all? Whats the fucking point when I know you've had enough? It's getting awful hard to keep up. To try and forget you, and all the times we had, I am trying to forget them and all the love we made, I am trying to forget it, and all the tears that shed were useless, I hate it. Fuck everything. Here's your fake congratulations. It will never matter what you were willing to do, it’s the choices that you made. Now I'm living without you.
2.
When we talk I know we will stop again. Well I wish it were easier for us to just be friends. I guess I’m not a father figure. Well it was worthless to pretend. For all the days that I just couldn't cope, blacked out for thirty days and lost the rope and the rope keeps swinging again against my lamentations. What's good for you ain't good for me. It doesn't matter who I'm with, I always seem to lose interest and I always seem to lose.
3.
Let the hitch sway free and never again. It could be weeks before they find me and tell your kid to stop saying my name . Let it die in vain. I will go on my own by my own hands on my own terms. I will go alone by my own hands on my own terms. I've crutched along with road and rail, still this loneliness prevails, seems it's getting hard to breathe. No valour in a hospice bed. Stained sheets, the meals spoonfed. Longevity is clutching onto everything. Pull out and slip away, elated from the body ache because I don't think I'll last much longer. What you said I misinterpreted now I am acting on those words. So flustered and so frustrated, that’s how it all escalated. Autonomously ready to feel nothing at all.
4.
She was too young for a name and flushed out, she flushed out. We never got the home. She was too young for a grave and bled out, she bled out. So I never saw her grow.
5.
Now you see me in a different light but I see it too and I've let down more than you. Carelessly I've let my moral compass slip. Guided by past visions, my body lost its grip. You said words to me that I only thought she would say so callously I cut all ties in fear you would do the same. I did what I was trying to avoid but you got caught in the crossfire. Now I don’t see you anymore. If I did I would walk right by. I'm always happier alone. It takes a lover to realize. I've got to do this on my own. My life is on thin ice. And I don’t know what to do if you're falling for me, I'd rather you just ignore me And I don't know what to do if you’re falling for me, I'm incapable of loving you or anyone at all.

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Recorded Winter of 2013 by Curtis Buckoll and mixed and mastered by Stuart McKillop at Rain City Recorders.

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released April 14, 2013

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Open Letters Vancouver, British Columbia

Vegan Straight Edge Idiots.

All ages all the time.

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